The “Getting To Know Me” Thing

Who am I?

As of this moment you’re reading this blog. I am nobody to you. I am a guy who is just assuming that some people will try to click the link redirecting to this post and at least spend some minutes to fully read these thoughts I am going to impart in this blog.

Why am I here?

I am not here to make an impression that I was born to become a blogger or a writer or something like that. I am just here to express things I really can’t able to show or spoke to anyone. I am here with an empty coffee mug in my left along with a newly opened isopropyl alcohol in front of it, in which beside it is a 10-buck worth of earphone that I use when watching web development tutorials between 12am-5am as I don’t want my two girl housemates to be disturb with something that they won’t fully understand and while they are sleeping.

I am here to seek for an inner peace. Sharing these thoughts in my head and able to see that someone is actually visits and read my blog posts gave some sort of contentment. Happiness and a feeling of being appreciated which is something that I don’t usually receive from people around me.

At least, having virtual friends that can appreciate me can somehow provide me additional boost or motivation to strive and be more active in achieving the things I want in real life.

I spend most of the day in front of my computer inside my apartment. I work online as my way of surviving this life every day.

I am a person who actually doesn’t talk much. All the things I see or observe in a person, regardless if I knew that person or not, I mostly keep it and talk it with myself.

Asking questions to myself and finding the answers with my own. Although, not that I would not want to interact with people but I am not just born to be that confident and cool.

In some instances, when I intend to share what I am thinking, most of the time, I land it with the wrong foot. But it takes some time  for me to realize that I am the one who actually lacks something and I’d hate myself because of it.

In other words, it is shameful than promising, in most cases. Enough, to get mocked hilariously.

This effect might be because I seldom interact with people. It was like it is intended to inform me that I actually know nothing about them. However, when I kept my thoughts within myself, these thoughts are largely exact and precise.

It was some sort of disorientation.

Hence, I decided and hoping that I can always prompt myself every time before coming into something that I should just hold it just for me for not to get into any shameful act again.

 

 

An Online Freelancer Story: A Tale of Guts and Desperation

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Went from an A class student in elementary and high school to a disappointment in college – mainly ‘coz of (now an official int’l e-sport Dota 2) online game – and eventually a dropout after 3 and half irregular years.

Signed up at Freelancer.com and oDesk.com a month after quitting school.

First job is writing 150-words blog posts for barely $100 a month.
Got scammed at least 5 times (mostly by Indian and Bangladesh clients) but never gave up.
Disastrously humiliated by an Indian client because of writing errors but still didn’t give up.
Got rejected by at least 100 employers yet remain hopeful.

Strive in improving present skills and learning new skills such as SEO and Web Designing.

After 2 years and 3 months since entering the outsourcing industry as an independent contractor. Still firmly standing and now having at least $100 a week.

From a trying-hard blog writer to a data entry person then a researcher and now a wannabe (self-taught) web developer.

Quite a story tell huh?:)

My friend is back

A day back, I went to watch a new “Filipino” movie, entitled “Bride for Rent” and one lesson I learned from that is, if you know how to accept your mistakes and apologize, you are close to become a better person.

Well, that message made me realized that whatever happen in our life, regardless of who is at fault in a any kind of disagreement to anyone, we should know how to fixed that relationship that got broken.

In my case, I have this very close girl friend I had a deep argument before Christmas. We planned a Christmas group getaway together with our housemates just before the holidays, in which she promised a thing to do but failed to deliver.

I got angry and said some things that went against her.

Although I apologize to her soon after, I know there is still a grudge inside me – that I kept until before last night.

To tell you a bit about this girl. I can tell, she’s a kind of girl who doesn’t back down easily in facing her problems. She’s a fighter. A bit childish sometimes but mature enough to interact with serious people, especially when it involves her studies. She is also a socialite but still had those notable old Filipina traits that made me admire her. But of course, there are negatives I don’t like on her, wherein, one of the reason why we are in this situation before last night.

While watching the movie I mentioned, I decided to make the move, even I still couldn’t convince myself that time who is really at fault between us and who should make the first move for our reconciliation.

But, regardless of what I have decided…something happened.

…a few hours later after watching the movie – at our boarding house. I saw her having dinner with her cousin, but I just passed by them like we don’t know each other anymore. It was difficult for me, really. I want to talk to her by that moment, because I already missed her, but I just don’t know anymore how to approach her, the way that was like before.

As I went back to my room, her cousin had a conversation with me, while having a sip in my coffee. They are inviting me for a Friday trip in Vigan next week – in which, I instantly refused since I can’t get an off day on my job for that specific week for some reason.

After that quick conversation, I tried to give myself a chance to get a quick word with her. Unfortunately, I didn’t able to throw any word at her.

After about a minute or two, I decided to continue my coffee break in my room.

Another wasted opportunity…

When I am already in my room. I just decided to talk to her via text.

I made a quick apology and requested if we can talk alone. But she said, she don’t know if she can because she’s not comfortable with me talking personally. Well, I don’t know what to say about that so I didn’t send any reply and continue what I am doing in my computer.

Another few minutes passed, I finished my coffee and went out again to the kitchen.

They are still there, eating dinner. But like the first time, I just passed them by saying nothing.

However, on my way back to my room, just after I passed her, he suddenly talked and said “Hi” to me with a glimpse of surprise in her eyes.

Well, of course, I was a bit shocked. I didn’t expect it to be honest. But, good gracious god. It was an inexpressible feeling.

I went blank for a few seconds. I didn’t say anything… I just smile freely and said it on myself

…my friend is back!

 

 

Past Due…

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Today, I wasn’t able to write for my Day 6 (Day 3, technically, but it is allowed not to write on weekends) post for the NaBloPoMo challenge. I was really exhausted as I went 12 hours straight on my work. I am actually thinking my post already midway today but I wasn’t really able to remember this ‘duty’ after my daily report to my client.

Well, I think, that should be it for the NaBloPomo for this January. Gotta try it again next month!

Everything Starts and Ends In A Bathroom

I have this habit that every time I took a bath,  like the water I pour into myself, ideas comes out freely. Thoughts.

All the things I want to write, my dreams and aspirations, and mostly, the things I carry on my back.

To make it simple. This bathroom is becoming to be my very source of inspiration. Inspiration to thrive, to fight, to live and of course, to write. But not only that, it is also where I can regrow those ill feelings I mostly kept through my life. It was a harmony to my own grasp, when a supply of inspiration pours in . It was freedom. A dreamy moment.

But it was also sad at times.

Like that few moments ago. While I am in that small space of water world. I thought of the situation I am being situated right now.

Many people believed I am smart, and that fuels them to expect high on me.

For myself, I sometimes believed on that. Maybe I am really smart. But really, to tell the truth. I can’t find the right way to appreciate myself. All the things I’ve done over the years. I can’t point one thing that can really make me something more significant than the ordinaries.

Self-esteem or self-confidence. That wasn’t grown beside me. Fortunately, it was recently.

I have this blog to let out things I can’t carry on my back. I personally believed that I am a loner. I live in a shadow of someone else. Someone else I don’t know who. To tell something. Maybe, many people believed that I have an above average way of thinking but the truth is, most of those people who believe on that impression, don’t have any trust on me. What can you call them with that kind of mindset? You expect high, but you can’t trust? If I ask them why, they might just say, they only love me and they just want to protect me. But I am not a six year old anymore. I am a man now. All I want is a support from them. I failed them, I know. But “moved on” is the best word for that.

 I want to answer them sometimes, that with no expectations,  there will be no disappointments – like someone tells me a few days ago. But, I can’t blame them to expect something high to me, and the respect I have for them, it overcomes any angst and grudges I have to them  and prohibits me to respond them in any unappreciative way.

After all, these just starts in the bathroom, and I had let it gone the moment I exit that small space of water world.

Image Credit: Daniel Foster | Flickr.com