Living through high expectations can make or break you. As for my case, it was initially a break that is nearing to collapse but I made a way to made it fixed. Gladly, I am savoring that moment now.
When I was a child. Every people around had a great expectations that I can fulfill someday.
I grew up in a small village where the source of livelihood is farming. My father was the chieftain there since I was four years old until now and my mother was an elementary teacher. So, that make me a bit on higher class of living than with my childhood friends. Some of them envy me and bullies me but there are also a few who respected and stay beside me.
My first 6 years of studying is nothing but full of achievements, I was always the top pupil in class until I graduated elementary.
In my first year in high school in which I believed there was such a hidden conspiracy. Before the announcements of final grades for the fourth and last grading of that school year, my first year adviser talked to me that I topped the class and she wants me to donate something in the recognition program. Of course, I am glad and accepted the request and told my parents as soon as I got home and as expected, they also give the nod for me to donate.
Unexpectedly, there was a sudden change of events as during the announcement, my name was called before the last one, which means I am only at second. My adviser talked to me that my Math grade made it impossible for me to the top. Well, I can’t say I am not good but I admit that the one who beat me for the top honor is really better than me in that subject. So even I was really disappointed and feeling betrayed, I just kept my mouth shut and did nothing. I can still live with second, nonetheless.
But that bad feeling inside me made me a different person in the coming school year. I really don’t sure though if I did good or bad as I end up to 7th place by the end of that year. My parents were surprised and they didn’t like the result. So, that next year, they transferred me into another (and better) school.
On my first days, I find it difficult for myself to adjust. I am a very shy type and I can’t do well around strangers. It took me half a year before I got comfortable but my confidence to be an active participant was already compromised…until I graduated in high school.
I can’t really say what kind of reaction my parents and relatives had after those last 2 years of my high school. Regardless, they still rendered me the same expectation they have in the beginning.
My college life is just ordinary at best. I wasn’t active at all in class to be able to compete. I just do what an ordinary student do. Attend discussions, take quizzes and long exams and pass projects on time. But that responsible man I am only lasted for a year. In my second year, I was already an irregular student. Lot of failures comes next after another. It was hard, difficult and torturing. So, after 4 years, I dropped out from college.
My parents still urged me to continue though (even until now). But I said to myself, “I am already tired and I can’t do it anymore!”
One of the reasons why I did it because having a line of failing grades in my transcript even I graduate, i’s clearly futile anyway since my course doesn’t have any board exam to prove that I really belong on that field of engineers. With the rate of unemployment we have in our country these days just made it worst. So, I decided to stop wasting money but rather, find a way to make money and there I stumbled to the world of online freelancing.
It is nearly 3 years when those happened and I already moved on and accepted my fate. Only that my parents still can’t forget it. They still want me to continue and bring a diploma at home. But, most of the time I just completely ignore them as I am getting irritated. They can’t understand me even how many explanations I gave to them. To me, at this age, having a diploma is not that necessary anymore as long as you can find a better way to live everyday and I am living better. I am still very young at 23 and I believe in myself that I can still accomplish many things even I didn’t graduate. I am not talking like those internet geniuses though. 🙂
I might have failed in getting a college degree, but that is not the end of the road. There is a better reason or greater purpose why that happened and I completely and confidently believe in it.