I have this habit that every time I took a bath, like the water I pour into myself, ideas comes out freely. Thoughts.
All the things I want to write, my dreams and aspirations, and mostly, the things I carry on my back.
To make it simple. This bathroom is becoming to be my very source of inspiration. Inspiration to thrive, to fight, to live and of course, to write. But not only that, it is also where I can regrow those ill feelings I mostly kept through my life. It was a harmony to my own grasp, when a supply of inspiration pours in . It was freedom. A dreamy moment.
But it was also sad at times.
Like that few moments ago. While I am in that small space of water world. I thought of the situation I am being situated right now.
Many people believed I am smart, and that fuels them to expect high on me.
For myself, I sometimes believed on that. Maybe I am really smart. But really, to tell the truth. I can’t find the right way to appreciate myself. All the things I’ve done over the years. I can’t point one thing that can really make me something more significant than the ordinaries.
Self-esteem or self-confidence. That wasn’t grown beside me. Fortunately, it was recently.
I have this blog to let out things I can’t carry on my back. I personally believed that I am a loner. I live in a shadow of someone else. Someone else I don’t know who. To tell something. Maybe, many people believed that I have an above average way of thinking but the truth is, most of those people who believe on that impression, don’t have any trust on me. What can you call them with that kind of mindset? You expect high, but you can’t trust? If I ask them why, they might just say, they only love me and they just want to protect me. But I am not a six year old anymore. I am a man now. All I want is a support from them. I failed them, I know. But “moved on” is the best word for that.
I want to answer them sometimes, that with no expectations, there will be no disappointments – like someone tells me a few days ago. But, I can’t blame them to expect something high to me, and the respect I have for them, it overcomes any angst and grudges I have to them and prohibits me to respond them in any unappreciative way.
After all, these just starts in the bathroom, and I had let it gone the moment I exit that small space of water world.
Image Credit: Daniel Foster | Flickr.com